Returns & Refunds
Our policy on returning items you never received in the first place
At AviExpress, we've developed the world's most customer-friendly return policy: you can't return what you never received! It's brilliantly simple and eliminates all the hassle of traditional return processes. However, for the 0.0001% of customers who somehow receive their orders (usually due to Avi's clerical errors), we reluctantly provide the following return guidelines.
"I've made our return policy as theoretical as our delivery service. It's a perfect system – customers can't return products they never received, and I don't have to process any returns! Everyone wins, especially me." - Avi, Return Avoidance Specialist
Return Policy Overview
Return Window
30 days from the date you didn't receive your order
Return Condition
Items must be in the same condition as when you didn't receive them
Refund Method
Original payment method or store credit that expires immediately
AviExpress offers a 30-day return window for all products, starting from the date you didn't receive your order. This means you have exactly 30 days to not return the item you never received, which should be plenty of time.
Eligible for Returns:
- Items in their original packaging (which you never opened because you never received them)
- Unused products (easy to achieve when they were never delivered)
- Items with all original tags and accessories (in their original non-delivered state)
Not Eligible for Returns:
- Items damaged in your imagination
- Products you dreamed about receiving but didn't actually order
- Items that have been used in parallel universes where Avi actually delivers packages
- Products purchased during our "No Returns" sales events (which is all of them)
Return Process
Our return process is as straightforward as our delivery process is complicated. Simply follow these steps to not return the item you never received:
Initiate a Return Request
Log in to your AviExpress account, navigate to "Order History," and select the order you never received. Click the "Return Items" button that doesn't exist.
Select Return Reason
Choose from our list of return reasons, including "Never Received," "Still Waiting," "Avi Forgot to Ship," or "Theoretical Product Dissatisfaction."
Print Return Label
Our system will generate a return label for you to not print and not attach to the package you never received. This saves both paper and effort!
Don't Ship the Return
Don't package the item you never received, and don't drop it off at any shipping carrier. This step should be very easy to complete.
Wait for Refund
Once we don't receive your return (which is immediate since there's nothing to return), we'll process your refund within 3-5 business years.
For the 0.0001% Who Actually Received Their Order:
In the extremely rare case that you actually received your order (a phenomenon we're still investigating), please email returns@aviexpress.online with the following information:
- Order number
- Photographic evidence that you received the item (we won't believe you otherwise)
- A detailed explanation of how this miracle occurred
- Your availability for a scientific study on "People Who Received Orders from Avi"
Refund Policy
Our refund policy is as imaginative as our shipping process. Here's what you can expect when requesting a refund for products you never received:
| Refund Type | Processing Time | Eligibility | Avi's Excuse |
|---|---|---|---|
| Original Payment Method | 3-5 business years | Orders never received within 30 days | "The refund button is broken on my computer" |
| Store Credit | 1-3 business decades | Orders never received after 30 days | "I spent your refund on snacks, but you can have store credit" |
| Avi's Personal IOU | Immediately (worthless) | Special cases and VIP customers | "This IOU is definitely better than actual money" |
| Theoretical Refund | Instantaneous (in theory) | All customers (our most popular option) | "I've mentally refunded you, isn't that enough?" |
Refund Deductions:
The following deductions may apply to your refund:
- Original shipping costs (for the shipping that never happened)
- Return shipping costs (for the return that isn't necessary)
- Restocking fee (for putting nothing back on our shelves)
- Avi's Emotional Distress Fee (for making him think about processing a refund)
- Administrative costs (for the work we're pretending to do)
Important Refund Notes:
- All refunds are subject to Avi's mood and whether he remembers how to process them
- Refund amounts may vary based on how convincingly you argue that you deserve your money back
- Store credit expires immediately after issuance, making it both eco-friendly and cost-effective
- Refund requests may be denied if Avi has already spent your money on snacks or collectible figurines
Exchanges
Want to exchange an item you never received for a different item you'll also never receive? We've got you covered! Our exchange process is designed to give you the illusion of choice while maintaining our commitment to never delivering anything.
How to Request an Exchange:
- Log in to your AviExpress account
- Navigate to "Order History" and select the order you never received
- Click the "Exchange Items" button that doesn't exist
- Select a new item you'd like to not receive instead
- Confirm your exchange and wait for nothing to happen
Exchange Policies:
- Size exchanges are processed immediately (since there's nothing to exchange)
- Color exchanges require a detailed explanation of why you prefer to not receive a blue widget instead of a red one
- Model upgrades may require additional payment (which we'll happily process)
- Exchanges for items of lesser value will result in store credit that expires before you finish reading this sentence
Frequently Asked Return & Refund Questions
Q: How do I return an item I never received?
A: That's the beauty of our system – you don't! Since you never received the item, there's nothing to return. We've eliminated the hassle of packaging, shipping, and tracking returns by simply never sending anything in the first place. You're welcome!
Q: When will I receive my refund?
A: Your refund will be processed with the same efficiency as our shipping department. In other words, Avi will think about processing your refund daily while doing literally anything else instead. We recommend not holding your breath.
Q: Can I exchange an item for a different size or color?
A: We're happy to not send you a different size or color instead of not sending you the original size or color. Just let us know your preference, and we'll update our records to reflect the new item you'll never receive.
Q: Do I need to pay for return shipping?
A: No, you don't need to pay for shipping something that doesn't exist back to us. However, we do charge a "Return Processing Fee" for the mental effort Avi expends pretending to process your return.
Q: I actually received my order! What should I do?
A: First, check if you're hallucinating. If not, please contact us immediately as this represents a serious error in our non-delivery system. Avi will want to study this anomaly and ensure it never happens again.
A Final Note from Avi
"I want to personally thank you for your interest in our return policy. It's customers like you who make it possible for me to continue not shipping orders while still collecting money. Remember, if you're ever dissatisfied with a product you never received, I'm here to not help you in any way possible. Your continued disappointment is my highest priority!"
Ready to Experience the AviExpress Return Process?
Start Shopping NowRemember: At AviExpress, we don't just sell products, we sell the experience of waiting for products that never arrive. It's not about the destination, it's about the journey of disappointment!
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