Shipping & Delivery
Comprehensive information about how Avi won't deliver your order
At AviExpress, we pride ourselves on our unique approach to shipping and delivery. While most companies focus on actually delivering products, we've pioneered the revolutionary concept of "theoretical delivery" – where your package exists in a perpetual state of "almost being shipped."
"I've spent years perfecting the art of not delivering packages. It's much harder than actually delivering them – anyone can do that! But creating the perfect excuse for why a package is delayed? That's where the real skill comes in." - Avi, Chief Non-Delivery Officer
Shipping Options
| Shipping Method | Estimated Delivery Time | Cost | Probability of Arrival |
|---|---|---|---|
| Standard Shipping | 5-7 business years | Free | 0.001% |
| Express Shipping | 3-5 business months | $9.99 | 0.01% |
| Priority Shipping | 1-2 business weeks (in theory) | $19.99 | 0.1% |
| Avi's Special Delivery | When Avi feels like it | $49.99 | Let's not kid ourselves |
* All delivery times are purely decorative and should not be taken seriously.
International Shipping
AviExpress is proud to not deliver packages to over 200 countries worldwide. Our commitment to non-delivery knows no borders – we treat international customers with the same level of neglect as our domestic ones.
Countries We Ship To:
- Technically all of them
- Practically none of them
- It makes no difference either way
International Shipping Rates:
- North America: $15.99 (theoretical)
- Europe: $24.99 (imaginary)
- Asia: $29.99 (fictional)
- Rest of World: $39.99 (fantastical)
Important International Shipping Notes:
- Customs forms will be filled out incorrectly, if at all
- Tracking numbers for international orders are generated using a random number generator
- Any customs fees, duties, or taxes are the customer's responsibility (not that it matters)
- International delivery times should be multiplied by π for a more accurate estimate
Order Tracking
All orders come with a unique tracking number that leads to a creative fiction story about your package's imaginary journey. Our advanced tracking system shows realistic-looking updates that give the impression your package is on its way.
Sample Tracking Updates:
Avi has acknowledged your order and promptly placed it in his "to-do eventually" pile.
Avi is thinking about processing your order while taking his third coffee break of the day.
Your package is delayed because Avi can't find the shipping labels (they're under his coffee mug).
Your package is allegedly out for delivery, but the delivery vehicle is actually Avi's imagination.
Delivery attempted but failed because the driver (Avi) got distracted by a squirrel and forgot what he was doing.
How to Track Your Order:
- Log in to your AviExpress account
- Navigate to "Order History"
- Find your order and click "Track Package"
- Enjoy the creative fiction about your package's journey
- Repeat daily for new and increasingly implausible updates
Delivery Areas
AviExpress theoretically delivers to all residential and commercial addresses within the continental United States, Alaska, Hawaii, and U.S. territories. In practice, we deliver to none of them.
Areas We Claim to Serve:
- Urban areas
- Suburban neighborhoods
- Rural communities
- Remote cabins in the woods
- Desert islands (with a valid address)
- Underwater research facilities
- Space stations (with significant delivery delay)
Areas We Actually Serve:
Delivery Times & Delays
At AviExpress, we've elevated shipping delays to an art form. Our proprietary system ensures that every possible excuse for a delay is utilized before we eventually mark your package as "lost in transit."
Common Delay Factors:
- Avi's Nap Schedule: Deliveries are never made during Avi's nap times (8am-12pm, 1pm-5pm, and 6pm-8am)
- Weather Conditions: Any weather, from sunny to cloudy to slightly breezy, may cause delays
- Avi's Mood: Packages are only processed when Avi feels "particularly shippy" (a rare occurrence)
- Cosmic Alignment: Deliveries only occur when Mercury is not in retrograde and the moon is in the seventh house
- Package Sentience: Sometimes packages develop separation anxiety and refuse to leave Avi's possession
Seasonal Delivery Expectations:
| Season | Theoretical Delivery Time | Actual Delivery Probability | Avi's Excuse |
|---|---|---|---|
| Spring | 3-5 business days | 0% - "Spring cleaning season" | "Allergies prevented me from seeing the shipping labels" |
| Summer | 2-4 business days | 0% - "Too hot to work" | "The packages melted together in my car" |
| Fall | 4-6 business days | 0% - "Leaf peeping season" | "Your package was buried under falling leaves" |
| Winter | 5-10 business days | 0% - "Hibernation period" | "Too cold to leave my blanket fort" |
| Holidays | 7-14 business days | -5% (packages actually disappear) | "Your gift was so nice I decided to keep it" |
Frequently Asked Shipping Questions
Q: Why hasn't my package arrived yet?
A: Because Avi hasn't shipped it. He's been meaning to, really, but there was this great show on Netflix, and then he had to reorganize his sock drawer by color and texture, and then his pet rock needed emergency attention... you know how it goes.
Q: Can I get a more specific delivery date?
A: Your package will definitely arrive on the 32nd of Neveruary, between 1:65 PM and 13 o'clock. Please have someone available to sign for it during that time.
Q: Do you offer expedited shipping?
A: Yes! For an additional fee, we can expedite the creation of excuses about why your package is delayed. Our premium service includes twice-daily updates about the imaginary journey your package isn't actually taking.
Q: My tracking information hasn't updated in weeks. What's happening?
A: That's completely normal! Avi updates tracking information on a "whenever he remembers" basis, which is approximately once per lunar eclipse. Rest assured, your package is still sitting in the same spot it's been since you ordered it.
Q: Can I pick up my order directly from your warehouse?
A: Our warehouse is currently located in Avi's imagination, which is unfortunately not accessible to the general public. We've tried to send customers there, but no one has found it yet.
A Final Note from Avi
"I want to assure all our customers that I take shipping very seriously. In fact, I think about your packages almost daily, usually right before I decide to do literally anything else instead of shipping them. Your patience is appreciated, and I promise that one day, when the stars align and I run out of excuses (unlikely), your package might actually leave my house. No guarantees though."
Ready to Experience the AviExpress Shipping Difference?
Start Shopping NowRemember: At AviExpress, we don't just ship products, we ship excuses. And unlike our products, our excuses always arrive on time!
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